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About Deviant Core Member AlkonybestiaFemale/United Kingdom Groups :iconhungariandeviants: HungarianDeviants
 
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Deviant for 8 Years
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Deep waters try to pull me in,
to destroy my flame-adorned home.
I don't want to drown in your misery where you fuel that hate,
that will to hate me and all I am, rest in the mud of malevolence.
The unending shores of self-pity and the reefs of self-harm,
it's not the mighty, powerful sea of great Poseidon.
Bitter and ungrateful, this makes the world too small for both of us
so I aim to the universe and leave behind this world to rot.
Keep staring upward, blinded by the Moon and burning by the Sun
I will find my own way, while you grab my throat with a chilling touch.
I hate you because you are bright
I hate you because you are dark
I hate how you just make me feel
I hate you for how you do not.
I hate to see when others love you
I hate you because once I did too
I hate you because I've admired you
I hate you for just pulling me through.
I hate you because of this twisting pain
I hate you for showing me the masks
I hate you for being one-time sincere
I hate you to turn out just like the rest.
I hate you for not calling me names
I hate you for your silent digress
I hate you for not being with me
I hate you for not being with them.
I hate you because you exist
I hate you because you dare
I hate you because we are misfits
I hate you because I can not rest.
I hate you because of your games
I hate you because I can't forget
I hate you because you are still there
I hate you being inside of my head.
I hate you because it’s fine with me
I hate you because there is no way left
I hate you because I have to break bonds
I hate you because that’s who I really am.
The Enamored
Please detect the sarcasm between the title of this poem and its theme.

I'm just tired of different people trying to have the same, old, boring and dishonoring ways with me like they had it with so many girls before me. I guess I'm just disappointed to a level of being jaded, uninterested and overall feel ashamed; I always think I could shine through differently in my mannerism, my way of speaking, the way I live my life, the example I show, etc. I guess I just have to realize that most people like to categorize and even if one does not fit into their categories, they will try to force them into these little boxes they have created. Nope, sorry, I crawl out, I'm not a cat to enjoy being in them. :D
That's not how I lead my life. I think it's an ignorant and disrespectful thing to do towards anyone. I'd rather let people talk my ear off then just to judge them because how easily I had my way with others previously (to tell you honestly, I never had anything easy with anyone and I wouldn't like it easy, that I know of myself).
Misconception is something which brands a narrow-minded person and I don't want to be narrow-minded. I gave every chance to people who want to know me to SEE what I'm about (not everything of course) and still most of them just go and simplify everything they hear or see from me down to a level where I'm no longer recognizable to myself but they can like it - and this is what matters to them, THEY can like it. It's not me, it's just their illusion of me, created by them for themselves. :) 

        And as with all lies, it all comes crashing down on their heads eventually and I'm branded as the devil itself again.  
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Come, purge the desire.
Kill the longing, admire.
Turn all I am into nothing but ashes.
Place me in the waters of nothingness.
Stare with me into this human shell.
What a livid, secret, strange hell.
Blood rushing loudly, a heart adorned with ice.
Dou you feel the heat burning from below?
Labyrinth of thorned veins, garden of beasts
Their claws will reach you, their jaws scream.
Guarded by them, the prisoner commands
Drink the sour juice of thousand long days.
Pieces of the mirror bleeding it all out
An unsolved puzzle, reminder of the foul.
Let it be undone, I will remain underwater
In the boiling sun I have found my shelter.
Turning my gaze ever inward to broken lands
Until I see them mended by my own burning hands.
Sanctum
It's too bad when one mirrors you in almost everything but he keeps f*cking up things, seemingly willingly after he said he wanted to be with you. Well, that's why I don't believe in words, I only believe in action and inaction.
He is on the run again and I'm so tired of this cycle. I break cycles because that brings up a new path and I like to wander off rather than walking the same miles over and over again.
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No rest for the wicked, no lucky time for me
As the nights turn to days I’m still here
Looking up at the willow tree above me
Its branches twisting, shaking in the wind
Like my mind shivers in the storm of thoughts
My lips are silent, for most of my words are lost.

As the Sun shines through the leaves it ignites a flame
Within me, it’s full of  hungry, deadly crimson shades
Burns another image in me, casts a terrible shadow
Weighs me down, pulls me deep, only I dare to follow
Tearing me apart, leading me down, finding its heart
So alive and so old: a slow, strong, calling beat starts.

Eternally bonded is what I am and bonds I create
Warning is useless, fools wants to fill up his place;
I’ve created a guardian in his wake when he left
This is the Beast I feed, pet and have to put to rest
World’s a vast emptiness since he left me here,
Faraway and deaf to all the lullabies I sing to him.
  • Listening to: Disturbed - Who
  • Reading: -
  • Watching: -
  • Playing: -
  • Eating: -
  • Drinking: tea
It's been 9 years.

It's been 9 years I'm creating stuff, mostly self-portraits. This area of photography is often looked down and I'm familiar with all the reasons why. While with most of them I agree, some of them were even told about my works many times as well. I was critized for years (and still) for only photographing myself as the model - but believe me, as much as others liked my photos and wanted to be models too, in the last minute they turned the opportunity down so I didn't have the chance to work with others. But mostly they just lived 200+ kilometers away from me and we both had work and so on. Life happened.

About myself...I like to change my appearance, make concept-based photos meaning using different wigs, make-up and what not. It can be boring, I can see that clearly. Lately I've started to make photos for The Rogue + The Wolf and other shops because I had the pleasure talking to them not just buying some of their jewelry and thinking they will make me famous if I make a few shots wearing them. I can only support those jewelry-making company or ANY company (or wig or whatever you imagine) who are not high and mighty about it and don't treat you like a simple number who buy their stuff. I know it's a must if you want to sell things but I had some nasty experiences in the past, so it's a nice change.

Also, as Instagram rises in popularity as a rival even to Facebook, I just feel doesn't matter what I do, people will rarely notice or like my work here anyway. I have like 200 Watchers here, most of them are dormant; they have joined 7 years ago and started follow me that time around and slowly abandoned this site. I can't gain new watchers and I think it's my fault mostly but I always blame myself first anyway.

I know the groups I'm in currently is not a good way to find followers: in fact even if I'm in the right ones, my photos got turned down over and over again and I don't really see why. I play by their rules and so on so it must be a change in the people who view submissions. Anyway...I will not stop what I do, I will not abandon the vision what I have in mind.

What I really, really, REALLY loathe about people and their thinking here is just because I don't make fanarts about what I love, then I "have no right" calling myself a fan of mentioned universe. Just how can anyone be such an arrogant asshole to decide instead of me what should I like and how should I show it to be good enough for them to accept? Such crap happened to me over TES IV Oblivion and Skyrim and the same crap seems to happen since the Star Wars movie. Most of these fans see favored characters, I see layered and very well created universes with lots of interesting characters. I DO not limit these characters to fit my stlye or fit my desires; I think about them as they are, not as I simply want them to be. Not sure that's the popular thing to do but I just can't think about it otherwise. I'm not into bullshit like that, so I say it openly just this once, then for my part it doesn't worth more words and energy. Good thing that some people can find their perfect and favorite character and they just make artworks about them. It's alright to be happy and proud about it - so why it's not alright having a LOT of interests and create whatever I want? Live and let live.

Thankfully I have to plan my future ahead (as much as I can). I even had to write a bucket list not to forget about my smaller plans in the long way. This means I'm going to focus my attention to drawings more because I need to practice a lot, especially that I want to be a tattoo artist. That's the main goal.

If anyone feels offended about this journal it's their right to do so. Just think about how I feel for years now, too.
  • Listening to: Diary of Dreams - Soul Stripper
  • Reading: -
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  • Playing: -
  • Eating: -
  • Drinking: tea
As you can see the name change has been happened. :)  It's Hungarian and it took me a while to find out what are those words which could form a name I would like to have. I had to dig deep to find what I'm really about, what sounds like me, what would really fit me.
One's soul is a tree. The branches gets stronger, longer, eventually growing more little branches. I needed to find those which really made me...well, me. With this name I feel I'm very close. I don't dare to say it's perfect because I tend to think no one's soul is easily describable in one word but you can always try to limit these into "core" words. I tink it differs for everyone. From words to live by, things to remember, your pet's name, favorite character's name, favorite band name, favorite song title, that one name you have given to every damn RPG character you've ever made- whatever floats your boat, really. :D I had a strong temptation not to name my profile after my League of Legends account because that one is so hilarious! That was a momentarily genius moment from my part, although I didn't want to share my photos and other works under that name because it's just really silly. :D

If anyone is interested or not a native speaker of Hungarian language, I can tell what my name means (not just the word but the story behind them) but right now I'm tired, I need some sleep. :)

deviantID

Alkonybestia
United Kingdom
Though currently living in the United Kingdom, my savage beast nature hails from the more than a thousand years old Hungary. I'm in love with masks and veils, and I often use them for my photos. I seek the beauty and the meaning in every day, it's very important I think. Bad things and pain teach me but can not destroy me. Also, I'm learning from my mistakes. I'm a very critical kind of person/animal. Hehe, we all have an animal inside of us. Usually I analize everything around me, including myself. I try to be better than my "yesterday self". Rock, metal, instrumental and industrial music are my poisons and muses.
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:iconsiwyszczur:
SiwySzczur Featured By Owner 6 days ago
Nice gallery:)
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:iconalkonybestia:
Alkonybestia Featured By Owner 5 days ago
Thank you kindly! :)
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:iconsiwyszczur:
SiwySzczur Featured By Owner 5 days ago
No problem, I like good art:) I invite you to my gallery:)If you like my work, watch me :)
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:iconcristell15:
cristell15 Featured By Owner May 23, 2016  Professional General Artist
Many thanks for the fav! :) 
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:iconalkonybestia:
Alkonybestia Featured By Owner May 23, 2016
You're most welcome! :)
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:iconlexxii:
lexxii Featured By Owner May 18, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Hi & a Warm Welcome to :iconcutieshots: Please enjoy your membership :) Thank you xoLexxiiCutieShots * CuteandSpicy :)
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:iconlexxii:
lexxii Featured By Owner May 15, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Great Gallery :)

Invite to join :iconcutieshots: Please join soon :) xoLexxiiCutieShots
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:iconbabyrc:
BabyRC Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
Beautiful photos!
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:iconalkonybestia:
Alkonybestia Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2016
Thank you, I'm glad you think so!
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:iconbabyrc:
BabyRC Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
you're very welcome!
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